Parenthesised
(the beginning and the end)
So, I decided not to do a thing.
I am bringing all my therapy and self-awareness to bear and I am not starting over.
This is veeeerrrrrry difficult for me. Every project I start, I get a little way down the road, I take some stuttering baby steps, and then I get the itch. The itch to start something new.
This thing—this thing will be different. It will be better. I will be more committed. More confident. This is the thing that I will stand behind and say ‘hey everybody look at this thing’. Instead of mumbling under my breath and looking sideways at my current thing which for whatever reason just isn’t quite right…
My instinct is always to start fresh. Or to overcommit to maintaining a new channel for my voice alongside all the others. Bubbling underneath is a constant, insatiable desire to reinvent myself again and again and again.
Yes it’s very me to try to run the second I’ve learned to walk. To begin yet another project when I’ve barely been able to consistently commit to the one I already have. And then to feel overwhelmed and ultimately neglect everything, until it all fades away into the digital abyss of aborted half-formed ideas…
A new newsletter?
I had this idea that I wanted to start a new more strategically-focused, work-oriented newsletter. The Parenthesis would continue separately, a reflection on my interior world, and this new project would be more externally-focused, about my ideas on the outside world.
Sounds logical right. Makes sense on paper.
Or does it?
Here’s what creating this division says: that these two things are separate, rather than heavily interrelated. It suggests that there would be two different audiences, and that they might be mutually exclusive. It creates a kind of partition in my head: these people expect X, and these people expect Y. This is who I am here, this is who I am there.
It would also mean starting a new thing from scratch. Building an audience again. Promoting two separate channels.
(Well, I haven’t done much promotion for The Parenthesis but the point stands)
“It’s Not Boredom, it’s Self Sabotage”
Sharmadean Reid MBE, one of my inspirations in all things business and branding and just generally really, talked about this in a recent edition of her newsletter:
People always called it boredom. Restless. Curious. Multi-hyphenate. And yes some of that is real. I do love learning new worlds. I do get energy from building from scratch. But after doing the work, and hypnotherapy, I realised it was self sabotage. I specifically put myself in positions where I could constantly have to prove my worth.
I had a real lightbulb moment of self awareness on reading this. An instant recognition of constantly seeking the challenge and pressure of the new:
…if your identity has been built around conquering resistance, the absence of it can feel like emptiness.
But here’s what else repeatedly creating discrete new containers or platforms for my voice is really doing: it’s hiding. Because if no one sees the whole me, no-one ever sees the real me. It’s much easier to control your image, and other people’s perceptions, if they only see fragments. And then you’re safe.
There is no irony in the universe, only poetry.
Because of course I would end up working in a field that is all about constructing a meticulous architecture around something in order to influence (control) people’s perceptions of it.
Choosing wholeness
What I really need to do is go all in one thing. And go all in on my self, as a whole integrated and multi-faceted person. To resist the urge to fragment my personality and my interests into distinctive, narrow packages.
This is doubly hard as it goes against all my brand and marketing expertise, which tells me that consistency is king and targeting an audience is much more effective. Niche down, pick a lane, don’t try to be all things to all people. Recognition through repetition etc. etc. etc..
And this is what our attention, and by extension, our algorithms reward. Consistency. Repetition. Predictability.
The meticulous, OCD parts of me also love the idea of having everything organised and categorised and labelled accordingly. But time has repeatedly shown that in reality this kind of system does not work as it’s inherently exhausting for me to maintain on my own.
Reality is: I don’t like rigidity. I can never stick to a lane. And above all, I struggle to sit in the discomfort of the ‘messy middle’ in the lifespan of my ideas.
This is why writing is therapeutic for me: it forces me to finish things. Inevitably I get halfway through a piece (like right now) and it gets hard and I think, ‘Fuck it—should I just leave it here and come back tomorrow?’.
The problem is the number of times I have not come back tomorrow.
But not today.
Maybe the real growth isn’t in reinventing yourself every five years. Maybe it’s in staying long enough to see what happens when you don’t run.
(the end)
I have to apologise. I have been slightly disingenuous…
Because, despite all this talk about not starting over, The Parenthesis is in fact coming to end.
It was always intended to be an experimental container. An in-between space. A bridge between the before and the after. And it has served that purpose. Now, excitingly, I am finally on the cusp of what feels like that ‘after’.
But wait! There’s more…
This newsletter is not disappearing—just rebranding. Yes my version of not starting over still means evolution; I am a brand strategist after all. The bones of the old will become the fertile soil of the new.
So starting from next week The Parenthesis will become Mood. In it I plan to explore:
The ethics, sustainability and politics of brand
Cultural, social and economic patterns, trends and futures
My new research project about national brands (starting with Great Britain/the UK)
As well as all my usual reflections on neurodivergence, creativity, personal growth, and building a holistic, meaningful life brick by painstaking brick.
If this sounds interesting to you, stick around.
Great stuff